I didn’t think I would be starting over in my 30’s. I had my life all together, or I thought I did. Just like so many of us….
No one tells you that starting over usually feels like failure before it feels like freedom. It does not feel brave or empowering at first. It feels confusing and a little embarissing. It feels like standing in the middle of your own life realizing the plan you were following quietly fell apart and now you are the one left to explain it.
When my marriage was ending I didn’t feel empowered… I felt disoriented. The quiet was loud. I kept thinking, how did I get here, and why does everyone act like this is supposed to make me stronger right away. The home you came home to everyday starts to feel like a prison and you start to feel different. Off and shifting.
What starting over actually does is force you to confront identity loss. This is the part no one explains. You are not just grieving a relationship or a job or a chapter. You are grieving the version of yourself that existed inside it. The routines. The future assumptions. The safety of knowing what came next. When that disappears, your nervous system goes into recalibration. That is why starting over feels so unsettling even when you know the decision was necessary.
There is also grief that shows up in very ordinary moments. Standing in the grocery store realizing you are shopping for one. Sitting in traffic and noticing you no longer have someone to text when you get annoyed. Making decisions alone that you used to make as a team. These moments are small, but they accumulate. And they matter. They matter because it is normal to feel the sadness in starting your life over. You have to grieve the past so you are able to move on to the future.
Another thing no one tells you is how much starting over impacts your confidence. After divorce, I questioned my judgment constantly. I wondered if I could trust myself to make good decisions again. This is common, especially after any major ending. Your brain is trying to protect you from repeating pain, so it second guesses everything. Understanding this helped me stop labeling my doubt as weakness and start seeing it as self protection.
Career uncertainty often follows personal upheaval. When one area of your life collapses, the others feel shakier too. I found myself questioning whether I was allowed to change direction professionally when I needed stability the most. But what I learned is that alignment and stability are not opposites. Long term stability often requires short term discomfort. Staying somewhere that no longer fits costs more than starting again, even when it feels safer on paper.
Money becomes louder when you are starting over. You think about housing differently. You think about safety differently. You think about how long you can float while rebuilding. This is not shallow or material. It is survival. Feeling secure in your body and in your space matters when you are healing. Stability is not just emotional. It is practical.
Starting over is also lonely in a way that is hard to explain. Even when you have support. Even when people check in. It is lonely because no one else is inside your head at night when the questions come. Am I doing this right. Did I wait too long. Will this work out. Loneliness does not mean you are unsupported. It means you are in a season of internal rebuilding.
Here is the part that slowly changes. Over time, starting over teaches you discernment. You stop chasing intensity and start valuing steadiness. You learn the difference between excitement and safety. You begin to notice what actually calms you instead of what just distracts you. This is growth, even when it does not feel glamorous.
You also begin to rebuild trust with yourself. Not all at once. In small decisions. In boundaries you keep. In moments where you listen to your intuition instead of overriding it. This is how confidence returns. Not because life is perfect, but because you know you can handle yourself inside it. I noticed once I started my journey my whole life shifted. I became more confident in my words, authenticity and values.
Starting over is not one bold move. It is a series of practical, sometimes uncomfortable choices made consistently over time. Choosing not to go back to what hurt you. Choosing not to rush into the next thing just to escape discomfort. Choosing to build something sustainable instead of something impressive.
Yes, it isn’t fun. You are now at an age that you thought you have lived before. You seem like you have to go backwards again only to go forward….. What if we looked at things differently though??? All of the starting over we have had to do, has actually made us more authentic and empowered.
So, if you are starting over right now, at any age, here is what I want you to know. Nothing has gone wrong. You are not behind. You are not weak for needing time. You are responding to your life honestly. And while that honesty can feel destabilizing at first, it is also what allows you to rebuild something that actually fits.
xoxo, alli ❤
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