I can comfortably sit here and say, that even though my parents were taken from me at a young age, I am thankful to have figured out life through my own eyes. Not saying their influence would’ve changed me for the worse, but I do believe I wouldn’t be who I am today without having to go through life as an adult, even though I was only just a child.
After my parents passed I wanted to get out of Maryland so badly but could never see my way out.. It wasn’t until I was 18, and I met R. I fell hard. I saw the hard working, loving side of him and it resembled my father in so many ways. No, I didn’t have a “daddy issue”, I just craved for the love and protection that I knew my dad would provide me if he was still around and R provided me that. He had told me one night driving around Downtown, Annapolis. “If you say where you want to move and it is the same place I want to move, were getting married.” That’s when we both said “South Carolina.” From then on, I knew I was finally getting my wish to leave….. It’s October 2015 now, I’m 20 and leaving my hometown with the man I would soon marry when I got to Charleston, SC in 2016.
Everything was great when we moved. We got a puppy, landed jobs and started to create our life here. Something was always missing though. I was still struggling with my parents passing, and being the spouse (R. at the time) of someone who is grieving but not knowing how to control it, is freaking hard. I was drinking heavily, going out every weekend and drowning my sorrows. I had car accidents, fights and countless sleepless nights. For him and I both. it put so much strain between us. We had roommates for the first 4 years of our marriage. None of which I regret. I love helping my friends in need and that is exactly what I did. Was it good for R. and I? Probably not, but he was constantly working to keep the house going and I was constantly running from my problems. So really, we never truly spent time together in those 4 years. I was so young and didn’t know who I was. I struggled a lot throughout those 4 years tho, and without the support of my friends around me, I don’t know what would’ve happened.
I continued to struggle but also submersed myself into so many good communities around me. I joined golds gym, lost my drinking weight, started to work on my grief and slowly felt like I was becoming who I always needed to be. In 2020 all the roommates had left. Now it was only me, R and Costa bear. Which for two years turned into it being more of just me and Costa bear. R. worked a lot. He owns his own business and works for a Tree company. We barely saw each other. I was starting my career in Real Estate and he was growing his. What we didn’t realize, we were growing apart…. Not together. See they say this can happen. One spouse will always be changing and the other will either need to eb and flow with those changes or things can go south quickly. Which is exactly what happened. I was constantly changing because that is the only way I knew/know how to comfortable grow. R. on the other hand was very content in his nature. He was very much happy with his life. I wasn’t.
He was content with working, coming home and relaxing. Which I 1000000% understand. The heat is no joke here and being outside in it all day doesn’t help. What also doesn’t help is when you try everything in your power to still make time for one another but the other doesn’t have the energy. Either because they didn’t eat all day, even though you encouraged them to, or they are so exhausted from their physical day, they can’t even talk to you about your mentally draining day. It causes a rip for sure. I knew I needed more and expressed it daily.
Until one day in 2022, I decided to make a change. In 2023 I had moved out of the home we bought together and decided to ask for a divorce. Let me tell you, it has been a long, exhausting, grueling 2 years. In these 2 years, I have learned so much more than I ever did in my 10 of thinking I needed the love and support of someone to find out who I am…… I was totally wrong. I knew who I was all along, but needed to find it out myself without someone else’s influence. It’s now 2024 and I am divorced. Wow, something I never thought I would ever say… I have no ill will towards R. He is a great man with a great heart. We just grew differently and that’s okay. With all that being said, it wasn’t until after my divorce, I submersed myself into the community more. I am now surrounding myself around others who have the same dreams to chase, goals to achieve and love to give! Which has made me grow up in ways I never thought I could. I am now able to see myself for who I am and able to cope with my grief differently now. I’m not out every weekend getting trashed, or wrecking cars anymore. I am a hard working Realtor, part time horse farm girlie and someone who wants others to know they aren’t ever alone!
I am 29 now, almost 30. Sheesh, but I can say I have a pretty good grip on life so far. Not perfect, but who is? I’ve been able to learn from so many people who inspire me, communicate to others my feelings & aspirations in ways that they can give me advice to guide me. Which as helped me to be able to continue to step out of my comfort zone WHENEVER I need to, so I am able to keep becoming the best version of me!!!! So what I’m saying is, don’t think you need love or marriage, or your parents to help you become who you are in life or to figure out what life is like. All you need is you, the ability to communicate and believe in yourself. Everyday.
xoxo, alli ❤
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